Ar$e!

Once again I find myself saying "I was going to tell you ..."

This time I was going to say how I'm now not only the only gwylow at football but now also the only gwylow at karaoke, China's entertainment of choice on any given Saturday. I can now do a fine job of killing Mr Michael Jackson's Billy Jean, not a pleasant experience for anyone involved but all good clean fun!

I was also going to mention that I've moved into a great new flat, I have a kitchen, bathroom, lounge, everything the old place didn't. I've also a spare room with big bed so I am now open for visitors and, coolest of all I've two wheel chairs!

Yes, you read that correctly, I was inspired by the imminent arrival of Jane (my sister if you didn't know) who's damaged her knee at Christmas so I thought I'd be a nice brother and get her a wheel chair. From tiny acorns do mighty oaks sprout, it occurred to me she'd not appreciate a wheel chair but that I really would!

So, on Saturday I went out and got a a sofa, a fridge, a TV, mops, brooms and beds, internet and cable TV and two rather funky wheel chairs. Even if I do say so my self I'm already a past master on doing wheelies and spins. I have possible the coolest flat ever.

I was going to type about how Chinese gas men say they are coming round between 10am and 12 noon and actually turn up at 10am having called to confirm 10 minutes earlier. About sunday morning dim sum (very tasty) and of my caretaker/ door man being so impressed with my "um goy" (excuse me and thank you if you don't remember my earlier Cantonese lessons) that he asked if I spoke Chinese.

However, due to having my bag stolen last night while playing footie near the Chinese boarder makes all that's a bit like old news now...

Highlights of losses are:

> my phone,
> house keys,
> my wallet (Christmas presnet!) including bank cards (UK and HK), Credit cards (again UK and HK), HK ID, UK driving license, octopus card ($200), HK$2000, medical insurance card, Gym membership card, a piece of paper with my new address on it, work ID card ($500 to replace) and most annoying of all... ticket for squash match I'd planned for tonight!
> trainers,
> jeans (first pair I'd owned in about 10 years, never again, clearly not lucky for me),
> Guinness hoody,
> spare flat keys (not sure why they were in my bag but there you go),

After a rather fun time giving a statement in a police station where virtually no English was spoken I got home only to not be able to wake my flat mate. Its amazing what 5 pints of stella can do, the doorbell on loop, stones on the window, beating on the door and infuriated screaming had no effect, great.

After about an hour rather than sleeping on the door step I found a chinese step ladder behind my building, stood on tip toes on the top rung to get fingertips over the edge of the balcony and pulled myself up. I was then stuck on the balcony, in sports gear, at 3am and it was freezing and Damien (flat mate) still couldn't hear me.

Thankfully (I think) Chinese flats aren't that secure and I force a window, knocked the bars out and climbed in, I considered beating Damien to death but instead checked the footie results (liverpool lost, did I mention ar$e!) and did a few wheelies on my wheel chair and went to bed. Not sure but my lucky streak may of hit a sticky patch!

Laters

Jonathan

Ps. please send me your phone numbers if you ever want to hear from me again and do feel free to use my insecure flat as a hotel in HK any time.

JP.

Running at altitude hurts

However you tend to find yourself having to do so behind skidoos when all the women in your family insist on trying to kill themselves just to get a ride in the ski patrol blood wagon. I'm back with my family for one week in 90 and they manage to break themselves, I'll not be going back again that's for sure!

It was really good to be back in the motherland and a warm glow of being home came over me as I sat on the Piccadilly line from Heathrow (though not from the heater which appear to only work for the square inch around my left ankle). I sat and enjoyed listening to the driver mumble details about minding the doors and other useful irrelevances, such a quaint personal touch compared to the sterile Hong Kong MTR (Mass Transit Railway) with its pre recorded sing song bilingual announcements and its perpetual air conditioned 21 degrees.

The main reason for the trip back, my family skiing trip to Courmayeur over Christmas, was superb. I have to confess I was a little concerned by the fact I was going to spend longer with my family than I had done in over 10 years but thanks to the girls (mum, Rachel and Jane) injuring themselves at regular intervals the pressure was taken off me and it was just great to be with them all again.

It's probably very unfair that I was one of only two of us not to get injures as I threw myself down every run in the resort with no real skill or style to speak of but then we already know I'm rather lucky! The place was admittedly a little icy by the end of the week (hence the injuries) but I can't help but love skiing and the Italian Alps and all the near death experiences were all forgotten or even enjoyed once indulging in plenty of vino caldo for apres ski.

I was back in London for New Years Eve and I don't need to say more than it was great to be back and a good few nights were had. Thanks to everyone that came out and sorry to those of you I failed to see. I got suitable drunk back in the old haunts and as with the family it was great to catch up and act up where people at least pretended to understood me as I staggered home in the early hours.

And now I'm back in the office and the Chinese working hours that involves, d'oh! I knew I was back in HK as I stepped into a toilet in the airport and heard the now familiar sound hacking from every cubical as the locals attempted to remove god only knows what from their nasal regions. That said I can't complain, life is good here and I'll hopefully be moving out of my cell into a spacious (ish) flat at the weekend.

So Happy New Year and bring on 2006!

Until the next exciting installment

Jonathan

Hong Kong SAR
+852 6429 4092